Advice to Prospective Foster Parents

When you start talking about becoming a foster parent, you will get a lot of advice, people naturally want to share what they think would be best for your family. You will also notice things in the media about foster care. You will hear stories about things that worked and things that didn’t; usually about things that didn’t. After all, it’s much more interesting to talk about the sensational stuff.

I guess I am no different.  I have to give my opinion also. So here it is: my best advice is don’t let anyone else define your journey with foster care. You will have people tell you that you should do this, you shouldn’t do that. Some say that you should make sure and keep birth order. They’ll tell you not to take on children older than your own. Others will tell you that if you bring a child who is ethnically different than you, that you should make sure that you bring in more than one, so they’ll feel normal. The list goes on and on.

My advice is to stop listening to all that and find out for yourself what is right for your family. Don’t let others dictate to you what your family should look like or what your expectations should be as you look to add to your family through foster care.

When I first became a foster parent, I was influenced by the media and the myths that surround foster care. I was certain that if I took in teenagers, that my younger children would be hurt. After several years of fostering and a couple of adoptions, we decided that we were ready to open up our home to any age and just see what comes. I cannot express how grateful I am that we did.

Brandon came to our home at age 13. He’d had a childhood filled with transition and change, but that’s not what I want to focus on. Instead I want to tell you what he brought to our family. When Brandon came, he was instantly our oldest. The other kids were ages 2, 5, 7 and 10. Fast forward 5 years. That’s right, Brandon stayed with us for 5 years. He was my test pilot.  With him I learned to navigate the Junior High, then High School. I got to experience teaching a teen to drive. I got to help him prepare for his first date.  I was privileged to see him get baptized and make spiritual choices for himself. Yesterday I watched as he opened a letter calling him to serve a mission for his church.

Through it all I got to spend time with this awesome kid. He is sensitive, kind and gentle. He is an example of someone who can’t see another person in distress without wanting to help.  He is loyal to friends and family. He is a protector. He is a brother to the younger kids. They love him and can’t imagine life without him. Though he is not legally adopted, he will be a part of our family and our lives forever and we will be better off because of him.

I will be forever grateful that my husband and I decided what would work for our family rather than listening to outside opinions of how families should function. When we become foster parents, we don’t do it for ourselves. We do it to make a difference in the lives of children. The awesome thing is that these kids aren't the only ones who benefit. I have been forever changed by each of the children that have been in my home. Each has left a stamp on my heart.

It will happen to you too. Don’t miss out on amazing experiences because someone else has an opinion about how your family should be. You know what will work for your family. You know what you can handle. Don’t let society make you doubt that. Do what is right for your family, whatever that may be.

Sweet dreams are made of these, who am I to disagree?

Well maybe this particular dream wasn't so sweet, though it helped me come to some realizations that are both sweet and beautiful. I know that we sometimes use dreams to sort through things that we are puzzling about and dealing with sub-consciously. I think this was one of those. A glimpse of what's been rattling around in my brain: a big part of my job is going into homes of potential foster parents. At this initial consultation, I get to give couples a realistic view of being a foster parent and get a feel for if their family would be a good fit for placing children. I feel a responsibility as the 'front line of defense' to make sure that a home is an appropriate place for kids to land after being removed from a neglectful/abusive situation. That's serious business.
That brings me back to my dream.
As we have all experienced, sometimes things in dreams just don't make any sense, and they don't follow a logical order. Through a set of circumstances in this particular dream, I was pregnant with a baby that I was going to be required to place for adoption. It was heart-wrenching. I wanted to make sure (as any parent would) that this baby went to a family that would love it and give it the best life possible. My dream-self started going over the families that I had visited with as prospective foster parents, then I continued on and reflected on the many foster families that I have gotten to know over the years. I found peace as I realized that there were many, many families that I could choose from that would be exactly what I would wish for.
When I woke up, I was still very emotional. I cried for a half an hour. Then I started to genuinely ponder about the families that I had met with over the last couple of months and the foster families that I have become friends with over the past several years. I began to realize that my dream-self was on to something. These are genuine and amazing people. Their capacity to love is off the charts! They are not only a good and safe place for abused/neglected children to land, but if my own children needed a place to go, I would trust them with my beautiful children; the most precious part of my life.

Just as I achieved peace in my dream, this realization has brought me peace as I continue in this work. I am talking daily with families that are ready and willing to open their homes and their hearts to children who will most likely have difficult behaviors due to a difficult past. They are ready to love them through trust issues and low self-worth and the pain of being separated from loved ones. 
Now I know that not everyone with good intentions will be the right fit for these kids, but I feel lighter just knowing that there is a large number of highly appropriate families willing to make the sacrifices necessary to care for these kids. So, even though at the time, my dream was distressing, it has brought some truly sweet realizations into my life. Don't stress so much, these kids are in good hands.

Change is progress....

Last year at this time I was a full time student, beginning the last 6 months of my 4 year degree.  My youngest was in Kindergarten; which meant my days revolved around getting stuff done in the 3 hours he was gone during the day. I was a PTA vice-president and I volunteered in several of the kids' classrooms, in addition to switching out Home Reading books once a week. I was First Councilor in the Primary Presidency in our ward.  I was trying to help our teenage foster placement graduate from high school, and my husband's brother was living with us while attending UVU. Blah, Blah, Blah.....It translates to: I was busy.
Fast forward one year.....
Teenager has moved out, brother-in-law has moved out, I'm not on the PTA board or switching books or volunteering in classrooms. I finished my degree. (Yay!)

So the question is; if I've stopped all that, what am I doing, right?
This January I started working for the first time since my first baby came through my door over 12 years ago.  When I started school 4 years ago, it was with the thought that if I ever worked outside the home, the only place I would want to be is at Utah Foster Care. Things fell into place better than I could have ever planned them. Now when I drop my kids off at school , I get to spend my days recruiting new foster parents.

Doing what you like is freedom. Liking what you do is happiness! ~Frank Tyger

I'm kind of loving it. So with the growing up of children, and other things settling down, I finally have time for this. Putting my thoughts down in writing. I promise not to ramble (too much) and I apologize for when I am bound to be too personal. Hooray for new adventures!