Our Foster Care Adoption story

We had been married for a couple of years before it was clear that babies weren't going to just naturally and easily join our family. As we thought about what that meant for us, my spouse and I decided that we would love to be a foster family. And as we all do, I began to dream about what that would look like for our future. 

We lived on a 3 acre ranchette in Flagstaff AZ where we had horses and a random assortment of other farm animals and rescue pets. I pictured that we would be placed with little boys around 9 years old and that the farm would be a magical place where we would work and play together and heal traumas while we bonded.

The day I received the foster care licensing packet I gave notice at my job. I was going to be a stay-at-home Mom. But then there was a twist. Out of the blue we got a phone call about adopting a newborn girl. Foster care plans got put on hold. We knew we would re-visit it again in the future, but we had a shift of focus for the time being. Before our first daughter was even 2 years old, we were again approached to adopt another newborn girl. 

Our Flagstaff home was only 2 bedrooms and we were now feeling crowded. When the girls were around 2 and 4 years old, opportunities presented themselves to us and we made a move to Utah which included purchasing a 5 bedroom home. Suddenly we had extra bedroom space and we knew what we wanted to do with it. 

We began the foster care training. We realized that even though we had been parenting for several years, we had a lot to learn. The training helped us to understand how trauma would effect development and attachment.

Our first foster care placement was a 6 year old boy who was extremely resilient and had overcome a lot before he arrived in our home. It turned out that he wasn't able to return to live with his first family and after about a year in our home he became an official, permanent member of our family.  The girls now had an older brother. 

A family often takes a break from foster care after an adoption occurs in order to give the whole family time to settle in before having new children come into the home. However, after a 6 month break, we got a phone call about a newborn being released from the hospital. Within hours we had a sweet, chunky baby in the home to keep us all busy. He was an absolute tank of a baby who had thick brown hair. 

This time I was scared. The older kids got really attached to him very quickly. I knew it would be so hard to have him leave when it was his time to return to his mother. We had a lot of age appropriate conversations about how he was a brother-for-now and that hopefully he would get to go back to his Mom. My older daughter is an absolute mother hen and wanted to take over the care and feeding of the little guy. We discussed that we would still love him if/when he left.

After he had been with us for several months it became clear that things were headed toward adoption.  Even though he came to us at birth, there were a lot of signs that this little man may have some significant challenges in his future. There was no question that we would commit to him regardless of the magnitude of what he may face. 

We went on to foster for another 5 years after our 2nd adoption and we had several teenage young men come through our home. We still have connections with each of them and one has become a permanent member of our family even though a legal adoption never happened. 

For the casual onlookers it all sounds a little fairytail-ish. It's true that there is a lot of beautiful things about the way our family formed. It's easy to gloss over- as I did in my telling of our story above- the extreme loss that occurred in order for our family to be. 

One of my hardest days as a foster parent was sitting through the trial that ended the relationship between a child and a parent. I wanted to stop the proceedings and just weep with that parent. We had other hard moments as we helped children work through their trauma and we were often reminded that traumas can happen even before birth. 

I wish I could go back and do things differently and better with my relationships with biological parents, with forming connections with these children's extended families. I wish I could already fully understand at the very beginning that we can fully love these individuals even while we put healthy boundaries in place. 

Now all but one of the kids are adults. I get to see their circle of influence grow as they get into relationships and have children. I'm so proud of each of them and so grateful to have had an opportunity to be a part of their lives. 

My kids are adopted and it's no big deal!

My Kids are Adopted and it's No Big Deal!

photo credit to Cb Studio Photography

November is National Adoption Month. As a professional that talks with families every day about adoption, this month is on my radar. As a mother to adopted kids, it really hasn’t been. Why? Don’t I want to honor our family’s uniqueness? How can I ignore this HUGE part of what makes our family what it is?

It’s been 9 years since our last adoption. We’ve settled in as a family. We still have a lot of open dialogue about birth families and about race and culture. But that is our family’s normal. That word sends a little tingle of something up my spine. Normal! Once upon a time I didn’t know if we would ever feel ‘normal’.

When my kids were small, we were stopped in stores and in parking lots by people with questions. They wanted to know where my kids were from; they wanted to know if any of them were biological siblings. Some people just smiled and said things like “my family looks like your family”. Some people just wanted to tell me how beautiful my children are. But it all pointed to the fact that we were different; we were noticeable.

Fast forward 10 years. We’ve settled in. We’re old news. We are just a family. We have our share of struggles just like any other family and we have our share of triumphs just like any other family. We never get stopped in the grocery store anymore, and I can’t remember the last time anyone asked me where I ‘got’ my kids. Sometimes we forget that we don’t look the same, and a lot of the time we forget that our family is any different than anyone else’s.

               For many years during National Adoption Month I made sure to use social media to spread awareness about how wonderful adoption can be. This year I am just quietly celebrating how ‘normal’ adoption can be. So please forgive my lack of Adoption Month fanfare. This month I am just enjoying the fact that my kids are adopted and it’s no big deal.

Combating Stereotypes

I read this article this morning Non-Profit Aims to Combat Negative Stereotypes of Foster Kids. It made me reflect on how I often need to address this with potential foster families. They have heard the horror stories in the media or from their friends. What they don't know is that for every horror story there are amazing amounts of success stories quietly going about their happy, healthy lives.
I then reflect on my own family and I feel a love so strong that it almost hurts! These beautiful, amazing individuals! Half of my kids came to me through foster to adopt. I would be missing half of my family if I had never become a foster parent! The thought scares me. Look at these kids:

They are wonderful. They are not stereotypes.
So I'm putting this out there so that the next time you hear one of those horror stories, you can think about these amazing kids, and this family that was put together through adoption. And thriving. My foster family friends, I encourage you to share your success stories. Put them on social media, tell your friends. Let's change the stereotype.

BYU Football Foster Family Day!

Kids in foster care have seen more than their fair share of hard days. My son Oscar was one of those kids. The stories that I heard about his life before he joined our family literally gave me nightmares. However, he didn't let that stop him from being a friendly, chatty, smiley kid. His resilience is amazing!

Oscar’s therapist at the Family Support and Treatment center in Orem recognized this and nominated him for the BYU Football Thursday’s Heroes program. He was selected, and he had an amazing experience.
On his special day Oscar got to watch the team practice their plays; then when they were done the whole team came over to meet him.  One of the players spontaneously took off his beanie cap and put it on him. Then the team ran some plays with him. At one point they passed the ball to him and whole team cheered! Then they carried him on their shoulders as if he had just made the winning play in a game. At this point my heart was full and my tears were flowing. He got to sign the team flag and take pictures with the players. It was amazing. He really felt like a hero that day.

That was about six years ago. In the spring of this year, the Thursday’s Heroes organization reached out to the past heroes and asked what they would do for their community if they were given an opportunity to choose something. Oscar decided that he wanted other foster and adopted kids to be able to feel special the way that he did that day. The BYU Football team honored his request.

            On November 6^th, foster families from Western Region were invited to a team practice. We got to tour the facilities and watch the team play. As the practice wrapped up, the players all came over to the kids and interacted with them. They took pictures and signed autographs. The team members visited with the kids and gave high fives and fist bumps. There was laughter and smiles all around.

            One little boy walked up to BYU player Skye PoVey and said “I like your gloves!” Skye responded with “You like them? They’re yours buddy.” And he handed him a glove. Some of the players tossed the ball around with the kids; the kids were running and smiling, and you could tell that for that moment at least all troubles were forgotten. Throwing the ball around with a BYU player on the BYU practice field was an experience that these kids will remember for years to come.

            Once again tears were in my eyes as I watched the magic of what happens when someone that a child looks up to treats that child like someone special. Having a highlight day like that helps to offset the dark days of a hard childhood. Confidence was built, hopes were kindled and memories were made. I loved watching Oscar that day as he looked around at all the kids, knowing that he had a hand in making it happen. I could see a spark of pride and even a sense of protectiveness over those kids who are now where he once was.

 I’m sending a huge thank you to the BYU Football team for making the day amazing for Oscar and for all the foster families who came.

Advice to Prospective Foster Parents

When you start talking about becoming a foster parent, you will get a lot of advice, people naturally want to share what they think would be best for your family. You will also notice things in the media about foster care. You will hear stories about things that worked and things that didn’t; usually about things that didn’t. After all, it’s much more interesting to talk about the sensational stuff.

I guess I am no different.  I have to give my opinion also. So here it is: my best advice is don’t let anyone else define your journey with foster care. You will have people tell you that you should do this, you shouldn’t do that. Some say that you should make sure and keep birth order. They’ll tell you not to take on children older than your own. Others will tell you that if you bring a child who is ethnically different than you, that you should make sure that you bring in more than one, so they’ll feel normal. The list goes on and on.

My advice is to stop listening to all that and find out for yourself what is right for your family. Don’t let others dictate to you what your family should look like or what your expectations should be as you look to add to your family through foster care.

When I first became a foster parent, I was influenced by the media and the myths that surround foster care. I was certain that if I took in teenagers, that my younger children would be hurt. After several years of fostering and a couple of adoptions, we decided that we were ready to open up our home to any age and just see what comes. I cannot express how grateful I am that we did.

Brandon came to our home at age 13. He’d had a childhood filled with transition and change, but that’s not what I want to focus on. Instead I want to tell you what he brought to our family. When Brandon came, he was instantly our oldest. The other kids were ages 2, 5, 7 and 10. Fast forward 5 years. That’s right, Brandon stayed with us for 5 years. He was my test pilot.  With him I learned to navigate the Junior High, then High School. I got to experience teaching a teen to drive. I got to help him prepare for his first date.  I was privileged to see him get baptized and make spiritual choices for himself. Yesterday I watched as he opened a letter calling him to serve a mission for his church.

Through it all I got to spend time with this awesome kid. He is sensitive, kind and gentle. He is an example of someone who can’t see another person in distress without wanting to help.  He is loyal to friends and family. He is a protector. He is a brother to the younger kids. They love him and can’t imagine life without him. Though he is not legally adopted, he will be a part of our family and our lives forever and we will be better off because of him.

I will be forever grateful that my husband and I decided what would work for our family rather than listening to outside opinions of how families should function. When we become foster parents, we don’t do it for ourselves. We do it to make a difference in the lives of children. The awesome thing is that these kids aren't the only ones who benefit. I have been forever changed by each of the children that have been in my home. Each has left a stamp on my heart.

It will happen to you too. Don’t miss out on amazing experiences because someone else has an opinion about how your family should be. You know what will work for your family. You know what you can handle. Don’t let society make you doubt that. Do what is right for your family, whatever that may be.

Sweet dreams are made of these, who am I to disagree?

Well maybe this particular dream wasn't so sweet, though it helped me come to some realizations that are both sweet and beautiful. I know that we sometimes use dreams to sort through things that we are puzzling about and dealing with sub-consciously. I think this was one of those. A glimpse of what's been rattling around in my brain: a big part of my job is going into homes of potential foster parents. At this initial consultation, I get to give couples a realistic view of being a foster parent and get a feel for if their family would be a good fit for placing children. I feel a responsibility as the 'front line of defense' to make sure that a home is an appropriate place for kids to land after being removed from a neglectful/abusive situation. That's serious business.
That brings me back to my dream.
As we have all experienced, sometimes things in dreams just don't make any sense, and they don't follow a logical order. Through a set of circumstances in this particular dream, I was pregnant with a baby that I was going to be required to place for adoption. It was heart-wrenching. I wanted to make sure (as any parent would) that this baby went to a family that would love it and give it the best life possible. My dream-self started going over the families that I had visited with as prospective foster parents, then I continued on and reflected on the many foster families that I have gotten to know over the years. I found peace as I realized that there were many, many families that I could choose from that would be exactly what I would wish for.
When I woke up, I was still very emotional. I cried for a half an hour. Then I started to genuinely ponder about the families that I had met with over the last couple of months and the foster families that I have become friends with over the past several years. I began to realize that my dream-self was on to something. These are genuine and amazing people. Their capacity to love is off the charts! They are not only a good and safe place for abused/neglected children to land, but if my own children needed a place to go, I would trust them with my beautiful children; the most precious part of my life.

Just as I achieved peace in my dream, this realization has brought me peace as I continue in this work. I am talking daily with families that are ready and willing to open their homes and their hearts to children who will most likely have difficult behaviors due to a difficult past. They are ready to love them through trust issues and low self-worth and the pain of being separated from loved ones. 
Now I know that not everyone with good intentions will be the right fit for these kids, but I feel lighter just knowing that there is a large number of highly appropriate families willing to make the sacrifices necessary to care for these kids. So, even though at the time, my dream was distressing, it has brought some truly sweet realizations into my life. Don't stress so much, these kids are in good hands.

Change is progress....

Last year at this time I was a full time student, beginning the last 6 months of my 4 year degree.  My youngest was in Kindergarten; which meant my days revolved around getting stuff done in the 3 hours he was gone during the day. I was a PTA vice-president and I volunteered in several of the kids' classrooms, in addition to switching out Home Reading books once a week. I was First Councilor in the Primary Presidency in our ward.  I was trying to help our teenage foster placement graduate from high school, and my husband's brother was living with us while attending UVU. Blah, Blah, Blah.....It translates to: I was busy.
Fast forward one year.....
Teenager has moved out, brother-in-law has moved out, I'm not on the PTA board or switching books or volunteering in classrooms. I finished my degree. (Yay!)

So the question is; if I've stopped all that, what am I doing, right?
This January I started working for the first time since my first baby came through my door over 12 years ago.  When I started school 4 years ago, it was with the thought that if I ever worked outside the home, the only place I would want to be is at Utah Foster Care. Things fell into place better than I could have ever planned them. Now when I drop my kids off at school , I get to spend my days recruiting new foster parents.

Doing what you like is freedom. Liking what you do is happiness! ~Frank Tyger

I'm kind of loving it. So with the growing up of children, and other things settling down, I finally have time for this. Putting my thoughts down in writing. I promise not to ramble (too much) and I apologize for when I am bound to be too personal. Hooray for new adventures!